Wednesday, 25 February 2009

How do I examine my own cat?

Yes, my own cat is requiring veterinary attention.

In fact she has been requiring it for some time, but here's the very strange thing about it, when you spend all day diagnosing the sick you really can't bare to find anything wrong with one of your own.  Largely because you know a few too many things that it might turn out to be and some of those are bad, very bad.

So I would really rather not know.

Until now.  The vomiting is driving me insane.

She is bright and well, she hasn't lost weight, I know it is very likely that she has a mild inflammatory bowel disorder but I am terrified in case it might be cancer.

Today when I decided to examine her, she decided it was play time and sunk her teeth into my wrist several times.  On occasion I thought I felt a mass in her abdomen and was almost reduced to tears, shortly afterwards to realise it was in fact nothing but plain old benign pooh.

It's obvious that when it comes to one of my own pets I'm very much an 'owner' and not a 'vet', I'm just not cut out for this particular job....

...I'm taking her to one of my colleagues.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009


Mrs Wilkes is a poor person.

I know what poor people look like because I spent much of my young adult life infested with head lice as a result of my middle class socialist mother forcing me to play with the poor children at school.

Mrs Wilkes smells and she does not brush her hair.

I do everything in my power to keep Mrs Wilke's bill reduced, I credit returned drugs and I neglect to charge her the odd consultation....

.....until I see her leaving the practice in a large shiny brand new four by four.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Feline seance

The wailing is almost in-human, but then Mrs Lightly would know about that because she is a professional seance holder.

She sobs uncontrollably over Emily, her much loved deceased, elderly cat.

Finally she looks up with pleading eyes. 'How long?' She asks.

My colleague is somewhat perplexed.

'How long until I can speak to her on the other side?'